The Colony has Me Spooked

I'm not ready for the apocalypse. Just so you know. I'd like to think I'd survive a while if zombies took over or if I had to live through a nuclear holocaust, but let's face it. I'm a softy. I weep when I drink diet soda. Weep! How am I supposed to drink toilet water? How am I supposed to eat rats?

Okay, an explanation is probably needed. Yesterday evening, Heidi and I were plopped downstairs on the couch flipping through our Netflix options. Have you noticed there aren't a whole lot of options on Streaming? We keep it because my daughter only needs one option: Strawberry Shortcake. And she utilizes that option over and over again. Anyways, I saw they had made the first season of The Colony available to stream. This show chronicles the survival of 10 volunteers with varying skills (marine biology, shop mechanic, computers, kung fu, etc.) placed in a post-apocalyptic environment. I'm not a huge reality fan unless it involves food and an Iron Chef, but I decided to give it try. At 2 a.m. I groaned and decided I'd watch the remaining four episodes the next day. Hooked me from the get-go.

But I learned a valuable lesson from watching over 8 hours of The Colony: I don't have any skills. I really don't and that saddens me. If I were one of the volunteers picked to survive in that setting, what would I contribute? Would I write a fictional middle grade adaptation of our adventures? Provide the evening entertainment with pathetic party tricks? Serve as bait for larger predators? Nothing. I got nothing.

I need some skills. Let's go over the basics of where I'm lacking:

1. Hunting - I've never been. I once cried during a Silver Spoons episode when they shot a deer.
2. Cooking - Will there be Lean Pockets available for consumption? I literally fell in love with my wife because she made me macaroni and cheese after I ruined the first batch. It was out of a box people!!!
3. Security - I'm a squealer. Plus, I couldn't sneak up on an intruder if my life depended on it. A hippo in a room full of bubblewrap uses more stealth.
4. Handyman skills - Just because I can't keep my pants up around my waist doesn't mean I can plumb. But I did once work on a light fixture in my bedroom... while I was asleep.
5. Medical - Does it count if I always mummify patients no matter what the injury is? I don't mind the sight of blood, but if it starts squirting like a laser, I usually employ the "Horse with a Broken Leg" technique.
6. Bartering skills - "Hey, where's all our food supply and where did Frank get that yo-yo?" Need I say more.

As you can see, I'm toast once the big one drops. Oh, I have elaborate plans of what I'd do during a viral event manifesting in my mind all the time. Mostly they involve underground tunnels and a series of loud yet convincing bird calls. Cacoo! Cacoo! Lookuphere! Lookuphere!

I need a buddy system. People that will let me bum off their supplies just long enough until they die and I can take over as the tribal leader. Who's with me?

On another note, I have randomly drawn the prize winner from last week's contest and


is the luck winner. E-mail me with your address and I will send you your copy of Janitors by Tyler Whitesides.

As I said before, I'm going to keep giving away prizes for awhile, just to keep you reading. Tell your friends, tell the world!!!

Here's the next contest. It's the simplest one yet.

Just make a comment on this blog post that answers this question:

If I was forming a team to survive a Zombie Apocalypse and you were picked to join, what would be your skill?

You can comment as much as you like and I'll pick my favorite to be the winner.

This week I'm giving away a signed copy of Elliot and the Goblin War by my pal, Jennifer Nielsen.

Next week, who knows, maybe I'll give away my own survival kit (a chicken, a juice box, and a yo-yo.)

Stay tuned...


Ruth McNally Barshaw said...

First off, I will have mastered everything on this list by the time of the apocalypse: www.squidoo.com/zombie-survival-skills
Second, I am studying Hapkido and am confident that, as I learn the cane and rope techniques, I will be able to transfer them to my own newly-invented chainsaw techniques. The zombies don't have a chance.
Third, I will record any zombie leaders not yet killed, in sketches that make it easy to identify them around town. We could design a deck of playing cards, a different zombie featured on each, to make it easy to remember which zombies are destroyed, in turn. Plus we can play Spades with the cards.
(The Colony spooked me, too)

Michael Cole said...

One word, Rage! Need I say more. Oh, also I will eat anything. And I have a beard.

A.J. Dub. said...

I could make a quilt to throw over the zombies heads, or to hide under.
I can also hide behind the guy with the yoyo.

Kathi Oram Peterson said...

You crack me up! Thanks for the chuckle. :)

Poets' Garage Authors said...

My supreme bowstaff and nunchuk skills will no doubt keep the zombies away. I can also catch a delicious bass.
Ethan (on my moms account. Hacked)

Diony said...

Your right you made me smile. I'd have to volunteer my 14 year old son for your team. He can create amazing weapons from common household items. I would hate to be the intruder that breaks into his bedroom. dionygeorge.com

Katie Marie said...

My skill would be to build an UAV (unmanned air vehicle) from scrap!

Katie Marie said...

OR I would be able to build solar generators! They would be much needed in order to survive the Zombies!

Katie Marie said...

OR (I think I like this response the best of mine so far) I would be a great make-up artist/costume designer and be able to make-over our team in order to look like the Zombies so that we can infiltrate them!