Stress

I've been stressed a lot lately. Maybe it's the waiting game I've been playing with my manuscript. I know there will be edits. There has to be. I once used a double negative in my college English class and it really ticked the teacher off because I argued about it with her. "I don't got no notes," makes perfect sense!! Of course, working is a stress, family life brings stress, the economy is a bugger... Anyways, I've decided to create one of those tag thingies. Here are the top 15 reasons I get stressed in no particular order.

1. 4 cylinder vehicles - I have a six cylinder, but I had a 4-cylinder. Nothing makes me pray more desperately than pulling out in front of oncoming traffic in a car with less power than a Flinstones' special.


2. Eating at restaurants with my kids - "I wanted a green crayon! Dad! Jackson stole my green crayon!!!" Just give em both the same colors for crap's sake! Why is it that Gavin wont talk to anyone that tries to talk to him because he's so shy, but when people are minding their own business and eating their meals he insists on invading their personal space to stare up their nostrils? Why? Since when do my kids have to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes? And why do waiters and waitresses have to lug around those flying saucers with lava-hot fajitas just above my children's heads?


3. Trying to hand change to a fast food window clerk - Do I put the coins on top of the bills? Do I hand it to them first? Why do they insist on trying to exchange a jumbo sized soda with the lid barely attached to me while I'm juggling dimes in my left hand? Why do they install those gigantic yellow, concrete cinder blocks right in line with the window so that I have to veer ridiculously wide to avoid damaging my 4-cylinder Contour?


4. Wearing socks with holes in them - Am I going to have to remove my shoes sometime during the course of the day and have this little pig that went to market waving at people I don't know?


5. One ply toilet paper - Yeah, one ply toilet paper!


6. Eating something drenched in anything - Everything I own has a food stain somewhere near my collar. I swear my wife wonders why I don't wear a bib. I just tell her, "That's why I wear a shirt!"


7. Wondering what sort of cover my book is going to have - I had a dream the other night that they had decided the best cover for my book would be a photograph of pioneers out in some desert. I woke up livid. There ain't no pioneers in my book!!!


8. Refrigerator noises - I'm a bad sleeper as it is, throw in a few pops and hisses from our appliances and I'm downright psychopathic.


9. Loud music - I think I have bad ears or something. I can't stand music that's played too loud, I can't stand watching television with the volume more than half way up. I can tolerate movies in the theater because I can convince myself that it's supposed to be that way, but in any other situation I start to twitch.


10. Changing my kids diapers - I need like vice clamps to put on their arms and legs so that they won't barrel roll. I use like half a box of wipes. I don't know how my wife can fold the diaper up until it looks like a perfect envelope. Mine always end up looking worse off than when I started and I'm forced to run it straight out to the dumpster and then burn parts of the carpet.


11. Spotting someone when they're weight lifting - I swear that's harder to do than lifting the weight yourself. At what point do you completely engage and remove the weight from their struggling hands? I don't know! There's no manual!!!


12. Calling people back on the telephone - I just don't do it. No offense. It's not that I don't like you, I just don't know what to do. This drives Heidi nuts. "Why don't you call them back? They obviously want to talk to you. What's your deal?" To which I reply, "I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't listening." But that's a whole other scenario.


13. Leaving messages on people's answering machines - If you've ever been called by me, you've probably noticed that I tend to leave prank messages on your machines. I'm sorry. I just get nervous. I forget who I'm calling, why I'm calling and I need a 2 to 3 minute buffer period to remember. Thus the accents.


14. Weed whacking - I hate that machine! It's like your walking a hyperactive dog. I leave mammoth rivets in the yard, giant pieces of twine shot all over the place, plants are killed, small woodland animals maimed, children's ears burned from my profanity, nasty gashes tattooed all over my ankles and shins, my hands vibrate for about three hours after the whole ordeal and for what? All for the sake of a few stragglers that I missed with the lawn mower. Stupid!


15. Getting asked open-ended questions while getting a haircut, dental work or from check-out clerks - I don't know what to say, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to ask questions back and I'm usually not listening. Plus you're either buzzing a small razor by my ears, suctioning spit out of my mouth with that mini-hoover or I'm wrestling candy bars away from my kids. It makes me nauseous.

There, those are just a few of the many reasons I stress out. Now, I tag anyone who stresses as well. Have fun. This was actually very therapeutic.