Nostalgic Moment #3

For some reason, this idea is clicking with me. How long that will last is yet to be known, but for now I'm going to ride this wave until it bucks me off my board.

Don't you find it humorous in horror movies when the protagonist is being stalked by some murderer or a monster and they're awoken in the middle of the night by some noise downstairs in their peaceful home. There is a 4 step routine that all of these people take in order to determine whether or not their home safety has been breached.

Step #1 - Make sure everyone in their family, whether it be a spouse, a friend or a parent, stays asleep. I wonder what is truly their thought process at this point: "Don't worry, I'm perfectly capable of doing this by myself and I wouldn't want you to be alarmed because that would mean you were physically able to call the police or scream when my head is tossed back up the stairs."

In all fairness, there have been movies when the main character attempts to awake said members of their family by nudging them softly and whispering, and of course for sake of a better movie, their rousing had no effect because the other person naturally sleeps in a comatose state.

Step #2 - Find a weapon. This kind of reassures me that the main character is not a complete bone head, up until the point they make their weapon selection: a purse, a bat (right, because every American household has fanatic baseball lovers that sleep with sports equipment,) a spiked stiletto heal, maybe some sort of glass vase, and the real winners will open their nightstand drawer and produce a hand gun, good call! But wait, no bullets... Well now you're holding the smallest attack weapon when the psychopathic killer engages you in hand-to-hand combat.

Step #3 - Proceed down the stairs. This is done after of course, our hero dons a loosely fitting bath robe that possesses plenty of dangling appendages like an untied belt or ridiculously long sleeves, so that when the inevitable happens they'll have an excellent escape route. "Oh its grabbed me, but wait I fooled it and it only grabbed my sleeve so now I can easily remove my robe and leave the killer dumbfounded when it is only holding my terry cloth smock.

Next, be sure to leave all the lights off. This is critical, because this will lull the attacker into a false state of security. They will see that the lights are off and assume you're still asleep even when you manage to step on every single loose board that exists in the small area between your bedroom door and the top of the stairs. No one knows your home's hiding places better than you and surely the dark (and your sheer terror) will enhance your ability to check every one of them.

Of course, our hero doesn't want to be blindsided by the killer, you know, shot or stabbed or beat down with a human arm so be sure to round the corners of the hallways carefully. This requires extra stealth, so I suggest jutting your head around first so you can get a better view, and judging by what has happened so far, this is your least valuable body part or least used.

Oh no! Your first inclination was right, there is a killer in the house and now you must defend yourself and your family. A battle engages and despite the poor choice of weapon our hero somehow manages to subdue the attacker. This is probably due to the fact that at some point during the melee, the attacker chose to introduce dialogue into the equation. The serial killer feels the need to inform their prey as to why they were chosen, or in the case of a monster or a psychopath attack, the enemy has to pause frequently to either roar or stare at our hero with bloodshot eyes.
No matter what the case, Judy Trueblue (yep, I just named her) finds an opening and attacks with either her original weapon of choice, or a new found object, such as a steaming pot of hot coffee, conveniently brewing at 2 in the morning or a razor sharp butcher's knife that was lying innocently in a kitchen drawer, probably along with other knick knacks such as crayons, markers and Elmer's glue. Oh, and the drawer didn't have a child safety lock, so who's the real monster here?

Step #4 - Conclusion. She did it, good ole Judy Trueblue, and now she's able to contact the authorities. It's a little unknown fact that whenever you've just overpowered a monster and are in the process of calling 911, you should definitely turn your back from the creature in order to get better phone reception. Oh, and leave all weapons exactly where they're currently laying. Whether they're still on the attacker's person it makes no difference. You wouldn't want to be convicted of tampering with the evidence would you?

That was fun, but now in one or two paragraphs, I'm going to explain to you what I would do in this situation. Now, I have no real movie experience, nor have I recently been attacked by resurrected, hockey mask wearing freaks, so whether you choose to take my advice to heart or not it's up to you.

Step #1 - "DID I JUST HEAR SOMETHING DOWNSTAIRS!" Notice my volume, its loud and I'm saying it directly into my wife's ear.

Step #2 - No time for a weapon, because I already know I don't have one, and no time for clothes either. Naked thirty-somethings with wild hair and unnaturally pale skin scare the crap out of intruders.

Step #3 - "Hey honey, I found out to where that mystery switch goes, that's neat." What I'm saying is, all lights are on, be it bathroom, closet, infant's room, dog kennel, it doesn't matter.

Step #4 - On a typical day when my health is good I can take the stairs two or three at a time. Throw in the possibility that I might be dying tonight and all bets are off. I'm pretty confident that I'll take the entire stairs in one leap, screaming tarzanish as I descend. If I have any luck at all, the attacker will be standing dumbfounded at the base of the stairs when I come off the top ropes.

Step #5 - I call it the whirlwind attack. It is very complex. In one motion I manage to turn on every light downstairs, while swinging my arms and legs in powerful deadly strikes and screaming at the top of my lungs. The result: Well, I guess I can't say that it is entirely effective at bashing in the killer's skull, but it has to make for a bizarre spectacle. Everyone of you has seen a child spin themselves around out of control while looking at the ground and in a fit of giggles. My kids do it all the time, and although I see what will inevitably happen if I don't intervene (tipped over coffee tables, busted teeth, concussions, broken lamps, injured pets, projectile vomiting, brain damage, loss of memory, changes in religious affiliation, freak openings of portals to Narnia) I don't stop my child from their cyclone activity. It's just too dang entertaining. I think killers will undoubtedly feel the same way when they see me, which should buy some valuable time.

Step #6 - Fortunately, even though I have had to do this on a number of occasions, I have never found a killer lurking in the shadows. Plus, if you've read my blog in its entirety you'll have known that I suffer from sleep terrors (gotta love that Clonezapam) so most of the time, the noises I hear in the middle of the night are probably coming from myself. It's amazing what ventriloquist abilities I can possess while I sleep, just ask Elder Batoyung and his little flashlight. But, if by some chance, I actually do encounter some intruder in my home, step #6 is simple... Call the authorities... from the neighbors house.

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