Conspiracy Theory #1

I'm not a true all out conspiracy theorist. I do think we went to the moon and I don't think Pepsi is purposely canning syringes, but I do have a few conspiracy theories. Some you may have heard of, others you may not.

Conspiracy Theory #1 - Wal-mart pumps idiot juice through pipes underneath the parking lot. This is a legitimate concern. I haven't worked out all of the details on what exactly this crap consists of, but I think it sends off some sort of electro-magnetic pulse that automatically turns every walking creature within a 500 yard radius into complete morons. I call it the Dumb Zone and I have yet to find anyone that is completely immune to its effects.

I've seen it at least a hundred times. Perfectly normal people, sweet little grandmas, sophisticated businessmen and women, even animals lose all sense of reason once their vehicles pull off into a Wal-mart parking lot.

Suddenly, they're transformed. They lose mobility skills, crash carts into automobiles, stand for well over a minute in the center of the parking lot lane looking at gum on their shoes, leave babies unattended in shopping carts by the magazine aisles, hand their kids dangerous weapons to occupy themselves with so they can read the label on a shampoo bottle, stick tubs of ice cream in their carts at the beginning of their shopping, rip open bags of dog food for no good reason, walk around with one shoe on as they try on multiple styles of Crocs, engage in unnecessary political conversations with the 90-year-old door greater, steal extra rolls of toilet paper from the public restrooms, pump in buckets of quarters into the vending machines on a freak notion to buy each of their children rub on tattoos, ask for free samples in the hardware department, buy fish, turn completely sideways in the middle of an aisle to answer the cell phone, the list goes on and on. Kids, who are already borderline with their mental capacity to act appropriately in public places, flat out lose it in a Wal-mart. Screaming, kicking, frothing. To me its more than just alarming, its downright scary.

What kind of animals do you see at a Wal-mart? Fish and Seagulls, two of the dumbest animals on the planet. There aren't any dogs or cats roaming freely like they would in any other retail parking lot. They know better. Just seagulls dropping crap bombs on anything that shines and fish that swim backwards.

I'm not saying that I'm immune to it either. Oh no, I'm a dummy too when I'm there. Most of the time I don't remember very clearly all the things I did. Everything seems blurry... blissful, but blurry. It has something to do with that @$#! smiley face with the cowboy hat. You know what I'm talking about!

I have developed more patience now that I theorize about this Wal-mart conspiracy. When a middle-aged woman gives me a warm smile just as she barrels into a gigantic Wall-E sculpture made out of cans of Coca-cola, I just look at my wife and nod. "She couldn't help it honey, she's in the dumb zone."