Hashbrown Winters – Flinton Deanderbow– 5th Grade - I still remember the day when he out ate Butter Bibowski in that ridiculous hash brown eating contest. So he has a tree house… so what? I had a tree house once, now I have a locker, but no one’s invited to see inside it.
Snow Cone Jones – Pierre Yosepa – 5th Grade - Dared by Pinata Gonzales to eat a parking cone filled with dirty, lemon flavored snow. Only I’m pretty sure it wasn’t lemon.
Whiz Peterson – Charlie Mac – 5th Grade - Latest birthday gifts: rubber pants, rubber sheets, and a moving sidewalk that runs from his bed all the way to the toilet.
Four-hips Dixon – Leslie Kip – 5th Grade - Banned from every all-you-can eat buffet in the county. No one’s safe when his hunger rages, not even polar bears.
Measles Mumphrey – Zachery Lewis- 5th Grade – That boy has an itching problem and one of his measles looks exactly like Queen Cleopatra.
Bubblegum Bulkins – Eric Isaac – 5th Grade - Has gone his entire grade school career chewing bubble-gum, every day, even during lunch. Don’t bother asking me how he managed doing that on the day they served creamed asparagus souffle.
Hambone Oxcart – 5th Grade – Apparently he is really mean and eats wood. People call him the number one bully at Pordunce Elementary, but he’s never really bothered me. Of course, he generally tries to avoid talking lockers.
Misty Piccolo – 5th Grade - Beauty, perfect grades, perfect teeth, and she’s every teacher’s pet… I see no real value.
Tony Ten Fingers – Tony Namoth Spelunker – 6th Grade - The muscle behind the Figanewty Organization. Has locked many a student into their lockers and yet, fortunately, they’ve all somehow made it home for dinner. Where’s the justice in that?
Cordovo Figanewty – 6th Grade supposedly - I actually laughed so hard I cried the day the Figanewty Family pushed the teaching staff out of the lounge and into the janitorial closet. Ha! See how you like tight, enclosed spaces! I will say this though, with all of Cordovo’s moving around to different schools over the years, I’m pretty sure he should be graduated from high school by now. But what do I know? I’m only the Oracle!
Luinda “The Manatee” Sharpie – 4th Grade - I typically don’t shower praises down upon the heads of my classmates, especially anyone that goes by the name of Manatee, but Luinda has a gift. I know it may be difficult to believe, but you didn’t see her cartwheel kick that one boy when he made fun of her braces.
Teeter Totter Williams – Allen Roger – 6th Grade – Really what are parents feeding kids these days? My advice would be to avoid the teeter totters, the see-saws and pretty much any playground device that could be used as a launching pad.
Pigeon Criggle – Donald Cal – 1st Grade - What a pest! Fluttering and squealing this way and that. Somebody needs to put that boy in a cage or stuff a cracker in his mouth for the love of Pete!
Paul “The Shiek” Rumspill – 6th Grade - Plays a mean flute, but no one's supposed to know about that. He also wore a turban to school for three years just because he could.
Razor Cannelloni - Louis – 6th Grade – Another trouble-maker. Tends to sharpen anything he can get his hands on. Pencils, erasers, chocolate bars, students…
Squid Madsen – Marcus – 6th Grade - He’s somewhat of a master at giving swirlies. I hear they are quite refreshing.
Tommy Pastrami – Tommy Rudebager – 6th Grade - Infamous second-half of the sandwich twins. Eats nothing but sandwiches.
Petey Provolone – Pete Lumbunts – 6th Grade - Infamous second-half of the sandwich twins. Eats nothing but sandwiches.
Butter Bibowski - Lintel Montgomery – 5th Grade - An artist of sorts. He once made an exact replica of the Statue of Liberty out of nothing but mounds of unsalted butter.
Pot Roast Oberham – Gregory – 5th Grade - Brings his lunch in a crock-pot and frequently wows the students with his fabulous recipes. You should try his crepes. They are wonderful and fit perfectly through a locker slot.
Stilts Drubbers – Ethan Oakley – 5th Grade - As far as doctors can tell, his body is missing his torso. His legs actually start right beneath his armpits.
Piñata Gonzales – Calvin Fred – 5th Grade - Is always sneaking into the school with gobs of wrapped candies in his pockets. I can usually tell where he’s been just by watching the swarms of first graders eating his dropped gum drops off the floor.
Staples Ardmore – Larry Mort – 5th Grade - What a klutz. He no longer has feeling in any of his fingers, his elbows or his belly button. Some dares just aren’t worth going through with.
Petrol Giminski – Harold – 5th Grade - His family runs one of the local gas stations. He smells of unleaded fuel and once took a bath in motor oil.
Camo Phillips - Roderick Bismuth – 5th Grade – I’m not too fond of this sneaky one. It’s embarrassing really, but I once carried on a conversation with him for fifteen minutes thinking I was chatting with the drinking fountain.
Radar Munski – Matthew Joseph – 5th Grade - Rumor has it; he can hear the late bell ringing before the principal actually pushes it.
Saddle Bags Bollinger – Shad Olaf – 5th Grade - Whatever you do, don’t go horseback riding with him. Not a pretty sight… so I’ve heard.
The Oracle – Gabriel Yucatan – Who cares? - I rule this school! So what if I’ve been trapped in my locker for seven years. My business is booming and I have tee-shirts on sale in the lunch room.
Yeti Mckean – Adam Douglas – 5th Grade - Since when did burlap pants become popular. Oh wait a minute, Yeti always wears shorts. Ms. Borfish once punished him for not eating all of his lunch by throwing him into a sink filled with greasy dishes. The pots and pans have never shined so bright.
Moses Merryweather – Steven Cobble – 4th Grade - Wannabe. Imposter. Don’t get me started on that loon! Just give me five minutes alone with him in front of my locker. I’ll poke that fake beard right off his face!
Gavin Glasses – Cole Robertson – 1st Grade - Yes, he’s smarter than most wizards, but really what has that brain of his accomplished? Daily phone calls from N.A.S.A. and an honorary member of Hashbrown’s club? Please! I hardly call those achievements.
Hi Mashimoto – 5th Grade - Oh, I’ll admit I was excited about Mashimoto’s Grand Gala. But you try squeezing your way through two miles of air conditioning duct. It’s not pretty. Well, at least I have this delicious piece of blue-colored pizza to nibble on. I’ve always liked that Mashimoto…
Humus Laredo – Orville Granola – 5th Grade - As far as I can tell, he’s not human. Anyone who eats bird feed and soy milk for lunch is from another planet. Oh, and I’m pretty sure tree huggers don’t really hug trees.
Tyson the Teapot – Elroy Hutchings – 4th Grade - Short, stout and incredibly ornery whenever he’s near a sauna. He’s an absolutely horrible checker player too.
Gurgles Dunderland – Albert Joe – 4th Grade - Don’t be deceived by his nickname. Gurgling is not what I would call the noise coming from that boy. If your washing machine made half the sounds his stomach made, you’d throw it in a ditch.
Echo Rodriguez – Ronald – 3rd Grade – He once got in an argument with himself which started a feud for over a month. He had to use Pigeon Criggle to send messages back and forth to himself until finally he… they… oh whatever, worked it out.
Brandy Newspickle – 5th Grade - One of the local pretties. Always smiling, giggling, and eyelash batting. I grow nauseous with it all.
Squeaky Mittons – Dennis Tibbs – 3rd Grade - I swear we’ve tried everything to rid that boy of his squeaking. We don’t even know where the sound is coming from.
Weather Vane Dane – Ian – 2nd Grade - All I have to say is Weather Vane is forbidden in the third grade wing. That lightning rod is bad news for anyone trapped inside a metal box.
Yankee Molicka – Chester – 2nd Grade – Never has to worry about putting in ear plugs whenever Ms. Borfish brings out her megaphone. Matter-of-fact, none of the students in the 2nd grade have to worry about putting in earplugs when Yankee’s feeling generous.
Tuna Fish Marrero – Albacore Roderie – 5th Grade - It’s one thing to bring a dead tuna for show and tell, but it’s a completely different thing to wear the dead fish on one’s hand like a puppet during the school’s Christmas concert pretending that it’s the ghost of Christmas past.
Fibber Mckenzie – Alex London – 5th Grade - To his defense, Fibber’s not really sure what the truth is anymore. Rumor has it, he was abducted by aliens at a very young age and had his brain altered to where he had no choice but to lie about everything. Of course, I believe Fibber started that rumor.
Frosty John a.k.a. Salami Johnson – Hank Horace Johnson – 6th Grade - By now you’ve heard how Frosty got his name, but few people remember him when he went by Salami Johnson. Back in those days when I was locker-free, it was perfectly normal for students to throw cold cuts at the lunch lady when you ran out of chocolate milk.
Cup O’ Noodle Hickok – Richard Elroy – 5th Grade – Was always complaining about having to walk to school in the winter so he came up with the brilliant idea of filling his pants pockets with hot soup to stay warm. Boy did he love the idea. Now even in the summer, you can smell a strong odor of noodle soup wafting from his jeans.
Salisbury Dickory – Colby Trey – 6th Grade – Of all the stupid costume choices for Pordunce’s Halloween Party, his takes the cake, or should I say steak? He even forced some first grader to walk around with him dressed as a large can of gravy.
Mensa Michaels – Benjamin Victor – 1st Grade – Supposedly he’s pretty good at math, half-way decent in chemistry and can recite all of Shakespeare’s plays from memory. But can he stuff a microwaveable pizza through a locker slot? Nope. Moron!
Wombat Willie – Wayne Workman – 6th Grade – No one believed him when he said he had a real live kangaroo stuffed under his jacket last year at football tryouts. That was until Vice Principal Humidor got booted through the goal posts when he made the mistake of getting too close and barking like a coyote.
Wish-Bone Parker – Chad Wayne – 4th Grade – You’d be able to do the splits too, if you were dumb enough to try and return a mechanical pencil to Luinda “The Manatee” Sharpie’s school store. Now Wish-Bone can kick a whistle out from between his own teeth.
Frankie Folds – Lewis Nuttermeyer – 6th Grade - Not a very good poker player.