The Embarrassing Truth

I asked my wife this morning on what I should blog about. There must have been something foreign hidden within her morning protein shake, because she responded with this suggestion: Life as a web-footed sea creature.

Hmmm. I think she's onto something, don't you. How would life be as a web-footed sea creature? Mesmerizing.

Unfortunately, I have very little experience as one of these mentioned sea-creatures. That is unless, of course, you count the time when one of my neighborhood friends dared me to lick a leech stuck to the back of a rock. That's as close as it gets. I apologize for this little side anecdote, but it is important to mention that my wife offers the strangest sense of humor I've ever encountered. I sometimes wonder if I'm supposed to laugh, cry, or floss. Interesting segue don't you think? I do.

As I think back throughout my life, and no I'm not writing my memoirs just yet, I can't help but dwell on one particular area in my history. Elementary school. Those two words drum up a plethora of emotions. Fear seems to be the predominant one and that is always coupled with embarrassment.

  • Wasn't it in elementary school when we experienced the most embarrassing moments in our life? True, we were young, innocent, and ignorant to what constitutes as something that is embarrassing, but you have to agree with me don't you?

  • Wasn't it in elementary school (3rd grade to be precise) when you wet your pants in front of the entire class and then thought it was a good idea to turn in your homework assignment the next day (the one that happened to be under your desk when you decided to relieve yourself for all the world to see?)

  • Wasn't it in elementary school when you experienced the dreaded barf beads? You know the ones. Smelled like a generic brand of mouthwash and carried in an unmarked canister on the janitor's cleaning cart. And why did you experience the dreaded barf beads? Oh, because you barfed. Not in a toilet or a sink, but in mid-stride to the front of the class while turning in your homework.

  • Wasn't it in elementary school when you launched off the see saws because you challenged a heavier kid to a game of "bump bum" and ended up face first in a pile of leaves and left for dead by your classmates, one of which eventually tried poking you with a stick to see what dead people felt like?

  • Wasn't it in elementary school when you were prevented to join your classmates outside at recess because you insisted "used" was spelled with a "Y" and "rough" was spelled with two "F"s?

  • Wasn't it in elementary school when you got singled out by the monstrous lunch lady who, by the way, is the model after which Ms. Borfish was patterned, in the middle of lunch because you kept pounding the salt shaker like a gavel whenever she yelled for order in the lunchroom?

  • Wasn't it in elementary school when you decided showing off your karate moves for "show and tell" was a good idea? Oh, might I add, you had no karate moves, and the closest thing you could muster was skipping back and forth at the front of the class until you tripped on an eraser and banged your chin against the chalkboard.

  • Wasn't it in elementary school when you were forced to dress up like George Washington for the school Christmas play which included wearing tights, black shoes with gigantic buckles, and a white, powdered wig? No one else was dressed as such.

  • Wasn't it in elementary school when you first started passing love notes to girls? And wasn't it then when your teacher would snatch up these letters, read them to the class, and reprimand you for your awful handwriting and for spelling "use" with a "Y"?

  • Wasn't it in elementary school when the music teacher proclaimed that you had a beautiful voice and insisted you belt out a solo with notes that most of the girls couldn't hit. The result of which landed you the highly-coveted part of George Washington for the school Christmas play.

  • Wasn't it in elementary school when you consistently forgot the day of school pictures and were immortalized either wearing a snoopy sweat shirt (in the 6th grade) or accidentally posing cross-eyed with a hair-cut that may or may not have started the Billy Ray Cyrus Mullet revolution?

  • Wasn't it in elementary school when you thought if you closed your eyes no one else could see you picking your nose or (in the extreme circumstances) peeing your pants?

  • Wasn't it in elementary school when you thought it would be cool to wear pajamas outside, complete with bum flap?

  • Wasn't it in elementary school when breaking wind was always uncontrollable and unfortunately ten decibels louder than your teacher's lecture? Of course, had it been the cool kid in the class "stomping the duck", every girl would've giggled and thought it was the most awesomest sound ever to grace their ears, but when you do it, you get yelled at by your teacher, threatened by the class bully, and doused with barf beads by the school janitor.
There are dozens more of these out there and it makes me wonder, how did I ever survive elementary school?


Amy said...

How do you remember all that? I do have a few profoundly embarrassing memmories of Elementary School, but most were pleasant. Maybe being a girl helped?

Doug Goodwin said...

I remember the "bum flap", however it wasn't just my PJ's - it was a single shoulder to toe outfit. The only thing the bum flap turned out to be good for was for others to embarrass you by unsnapping it. Thanks for bringing up deep seated memories. I'm sure I'll have nightmares tonight.