Destroying the World

So I thought I could write some poetry today on this random Monday evening, but I'd might turn people off to reading my blog. Not that I can't rhyme, mind you, on the contrary, I used to have aspirations of becoming a rap star. That was until the Backstreet Boys stole my name. I really think I could pull that off. Frankie C and the Bad City Bunch. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it. I could rap about middle class suburbia while I was sippin' on forty ounces of grape soda. But honestly, my poems have no depth, no purpose. I'm one that's easily moved by commercial jingles and almost shed a tear while reading the subtext on an automobile ad in a magazine. So instead of composing a ripe sonnet, I'll share a few thoughts instead. I have listed in no particular order the things I believe are destroying the world... one day at a time. "One day at a tiiiiiime!"

1. The 99 cent menu at fast food restaurants. Never in my life have I felt the confidence that I could eat 4 double cheeseburgers in one sitting. But bring down the price so that I can afford such an engorgement for less then $4.00 and I say... "Bring it on!" Now I can't afford life insurance and doctors have to use a turkey baster when they draw my blood. (I apologize for the graphic description.)

2. Restaurants where you have to line up in an assembly line and people shout at you, asking whether or not you want black beans or Pinto. Anxiety! Oh the anxiety! I sweat profusely, I contemplate Armageddon. I've been known to cry, spit, turn and run away screaming. It's not right! So what if those burritos taste like a slab of fried heaven. It's not worth the torture of ordering!

3. Aerators - I'd never heard of such a thing. Poking thousands of holes in your yard. Madness! When I first saw all those tiny columns of mud scattered throughout the lawn, I immediately thought of two scenarios. One; some one's dog needed to lay off the puppy chow and the laxatives and two; what manner of gophers could create such things and what would happen if this obvious army of gophers ever rose up and attacked humans. I still don't know why we do it. No one's ever explained it to me. But like clockwork, I shell out the cash to have my yard hole punched every spring.

4. Professional Wrestling - OK, I've been to a wrestling event and it was, in a word, glorious, but honestly, this phenomenon is getting way out of hand. No other action figure in the existence of action figures have ever authentically represented the real thing until wrestling dolls were invented. Why is it that whenever I see someone riding on their bike signal with their hand that they're making a left hand turn I immediately wonder who that person is about to clothesline? I can barely take more than two steps on the stairs at a time, but if you got me on the top ropes, I seriously think I could perform a moonsault. Everyone knows who the Junkyard Dog was and the dude barked for a living!

5. Trail mix - This is a dumb one. I'll say it right now, but I'm still including it. Growing up as a small child in the wilderness of Kentucky, I always imagined trail mix consisting of things found on the trail like pine cones and raisins and the occasional nut or berry. My wife recently purchased a package of trail mix that had butterscotch pieces, and white chocolate chips. What the heck trail did that come from? I was fuming while I finished off the bag. Trail mix. Bah!

6. Mascots that make no sense and have no connection to the team their representing - Shouldn't the Utah Jazz be represented by a big horn? The San Antonio Spurs have Wile E Coyote. Huh? The Suns have a big hairy gorilla. And the Sixers have a rabbit, not that I know what a sixer is. This is trivial, I know it, but I just don't understand it. And maybe it's not destroying the world, but it sure is confusing it.

7. I may have posted about this in the past, but I can't remember, so if I did I'm sorry about the repeat. Utah milk shakes! They're not milkshakes. They're gigantic cups of ice cream. Shakes should be able to be sucked up through a straw. You try sucking one of those up through a straw and you'll have an aneurysm. They even have the nerve of calling them "Over the top" milk shakes. Is that even possible? Now, if the choice came down to whether or not I wanted a Utah milkshake (cup of ice cream) or a regular milk shake, I'll take the Utah version any day of the week because who wouldn't want a big cup of ice cream? But it's not a milk shake! It's not! Stop calling it that! Next time I go through the drive through window I'm refusing to call it a milk shake. "I'll have the large Oreo Fudge goblet of ice cream please and no I don't have a coupon."

8. Text Messages. I've have yet to send a text message in my life. I treat it the same way I treat the movie Titanic. I never saw that one out of principle and a promise I made to an old friend. I get texts all the time and I look at them and wonder who is this person? Why do I need to read something on my phone? I read books, e-mails, the Parade insert of the Sunday paper, cereal boxes. My reading time is filled up. Why do I need to read my phone? Call me old fashion. No seriously call me that... I always wanted to be called a name with fashion in the title.

Man, that was pointless and yet fun. I need some new stuff to blog about, but what? Anyone have any topics I could rant on and on about? That could be very interesting...


Kristen said...

I also don't frequent those restaurants where you order while they yell at you. Before I even enter I can see the people behind me getting angry at me because I'm a burrito ordering virgin. I swear someone behind the counter will yell, "No burrito for you!" It's too much stress for me.

Angie said...

That was a funny read. I don't think you need any help with topics..you are coming up with them on your own. :)
Whenever we got to the burrito places, we have a rule that the person with the loudest voice orders for everyone. Usually that's not me so I win! Yet still, I can no longer count how many times they have messed up my order. There has got to be a better system there.