The Christmas Gifts I Never Got

Now before I write this, I'm going to include a disclaimer, Santa, my parents and my wife have always given me a great Christmas. There were tons of gifts, but a few of the items on my list have slipped through the cracks. Here they are in no particular order:

1. Mickey Mouse phone-thingy - I remember being a young kid and realizing that this was a toy designed for much younger kids, but still oh how I wanted it. The commercials made me imagine that at any time I could call Mickey Mouse, he would answer and the conversation would always be new and unique. Alas, it was never meant to be.

2. Easy Bake Oven - I still want one of these. Who wouldn't want a tiny little oven that makes wonderful hand-sized cakes? I could rest it on the little table by my bed and bake cakes whenever I get the urge.

3. Rambo Knife - I remember when my cousin (I guess he's a cousin) got one in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. It was razor sharp, perfect for any necessary violence that every eight-year-old encounters on a daily basis. It also had a compass on one end and when you unscrewed it, waterproof matches fell out. Did you hear that? Waterproof matches! And a metal string that could be used as a saw! Why Santa chose to ignore this highly-desired request, I'll never know.

4. Glass bowl filled with the little bath oil balls - I used to steal these out of my Mamaw's bathroom and hide them and then pop them. They were glorious! I guess this isn't exactly fair, because I never formally asked for them because they were somewhat girly.

5. A Calculator Watch - I had so many friends that owned this very practical accessory. There were innumerable instances in my life where not only did I need a watch to tell time, but I also needed a device that could solve a difficult mathematical equation. This gift would've saved me time and time again.

6. A Water Weenie - I was your typical dorky boy that would hang out in the cool magic shops in the mall whenever I was able. Sure a water weenie is considered a cheap impulse buy, but boy was I fascinated by how it seemed to move and slip through my fingers as if it had a life of its own.

7. Mortimer Icabod Marker - "Picture pages, picture pages, time to get your picture pages, time to get your crayons and your pencils. Picture pages, picture pages, open up your picture pages, time to watch Bill Cosby do a picture page with you." I actually just got choked up a little. Bill Cosby had an amazing pen that looked like a red bee that made space-aged sounds whenever he dragged it across the page. I actually had the Picture Pages that coincided with the weekly show and would do them religiously, but I never got the Mortimer Icabod Marker.

8. Lava Lamp - I really wanted a lava lamp. That's all I can think to say about that.

9. Nike Pump High Top Shoes - My shoes were just dull. I would actually ask my friends that owned a pair of these cool shoes if I could play with the little orange, basketball bladder that was used to pump air around the laces. I would sit there, leaning down from my desk in school and would inflate and deflate someone else's shoes... Oh boy, (sigh) I was a loser.

10. A lunch pail plucked from off the Lunch Pail Tree in the movie Return to Oz - OK, this never existed, but I really wanted one. There was something about the sound the lunch pail made when Dorothy opened the lid (like the sound a pumpkin makes when you carve out the top,) it was amazing. Oh, and the movie? Yeah, it pretty much gave me nightmares until my junior year of high school. Disturbing.


Melissa said...

Ahhh...poor Frank! You never had a water weenie? Sad :(

Frank Cole said...

It is sad... really sad! What, they're like $5 and come in packages of 50, but nooooo! Santa wouldn't pitch for that.

Tia said...

Oooh! I remember Return to Oz! I wanted one of those lunch pails too! And those "wheelies" (is that what they were called?) gave me nightmares. I want to go rent it right now!

Frank Cole said...

I seriously was scared to death of the woman that could remove her heads and yep the Wheelies... pretty much the epitome of evil. That's a good show.