1. Bible Camp - Some of you may have heard this one already, but I need to document it. I was 8 or 9 years old and my mom signed me up for a Baptist Bible Camp (I'm Mormon for those that don't know.) It was a week of adaptation for me, trying to fit in with boys that already were great friends with each other. I remember several of the boys at that camp really intimidated me. They were bigger, cooler, knew when to say the best lines and I was somewhat dopey. We stayed in cabins with bunk beds. There were four identical looking buildings with 2 floors and my cabin was on the second floor of one of the buildings.
About two or three nights into the week-long camp I woke up with the sudden urge to go to the bathroom. I quietly crept out of my room and down the stairs to the restrooms. When I had finished and returned to the main hall I was confused. I couldn't remember which room was mine. I stood there for a few moments trying to decide and finally opted for the one of the cabins on the left. As quietly as I could, I tip-toed back into my room and climbed the ladder of my bunk bed. With an overly excited motion, I leaped from the ladder into my bed and onto somebody sleeping there. I remember the boy making a loud "Ooof" sound as my body crashed into his. He sat up and both of us stared at each other in confusion.
"What are you doing in my bed?" I asked.
"What are you doing in my bed?" I asked.
"Dummy, you sleep down there!" he said, pointing to the bed below. I was horrified. This was one of those cool boys that made me look foolish. What he was saying didn't make sense, but I was very tired and confused and I didn't want to tick him off. So I nodded my head, climbed down the ladder and hopped onto the bottom bunk.
"Ooof!" came the sound of another boy sleeping in this bed. Why was everyone sleeping in different beds? Did they decide to do this when I was down stairs relieving myself? "Hey!" he yelled and soon everyone in the cabin started to wake up. The councilor was getting to his feet when I realized (a bit late) that I was in the wrong cabin. Like an intoxicated gazelle I fled the premises, found my bunk and hid under the covers. No one figured out who it was, but I endured the rest of the camp in fear that someone was going to recognize the idiot from the night.
2. Big League Chew - I was in a mall once in Alabama when I was 16 years old. My folks were shopping and I decided to take off to some other shops. For some reason, I had purchased a pack of Big League Chew and as the day continued to pass, I shoved handful after handful of that disgusting slop into my mouth until the entire package was empty. Now, right there, that screams of uncoolness (16 year old boy, shopping in the mall with his parents, chewing big league chew, wearing a Member's Only Jacket, the list could go on and on.) Well, there was a treadmill display set-up in the center of the mall and I remember that there was a very pretty saleswoman displaying the mechanics of one of the treadmills. She couldn't have been more than 19 years old, dressed in workout attire and wearing a cute ponytail that swished back and forth as she accelerated on the treadmill. I was awestruck. I stood there staring (creepy-like) at the lady for several minutes as she trotted.
Finally, when most of the other customers had left, she noticed me standing there chewing loudly on my Big League Chew. She gave me a friendly smile and I in turn chomped down on the inside of my cheek so hard that blood immediately burst from my mouth. Tears filled my eyes and I screamed out in pain. I tried to talk, but the excessive amount of chew prevented me from making any sense. As I squinted through the tears I saw the lady looking back at me and laughing. What the heck? Why did this have to happen right then? I didn't know what to do, so I ran away, straight into a Lady's Lingerie store, spitting blood and sobbing from the pain. Clearly, I had ruined my chances with that girl, as if my injury was the only reason for my spoiled opportunity. I think I probably left the mall after that incident and waited out in the car for my parents to finish.
3. Karaoke - I recently participated in an activity where I lip-synced to the Monkees. It would have been harmless had the incident not been video-taped and posted on the Internet. Darn you Tia Chapman! Darn you! Only kidding.
There are countless other experiences in my life that have caused me real embarrassment, but the two I listed (come on, do you really think Karaoke embarrasses me? I live for it!) put me completely out of my element. As I mentioned above, the opportunities to embarrass me grow thin. I can attribute this to one other reason. I lucked out and married a beautiful woman. I lied to her and told her I was rich and she fell for it, hook, line and sinker. So, now she must endure my antics and I in turn can do whatever I want and not get embarrassed because anyone with that pretty of a wife, has to be cool. Right?