A Pleothera of Conspiracy Theories

1. Gas stations program their pumps to never land exactly on the dollar mark when you first stop pumping- If this is true and more than just my conspirasizing then it really ticks me off. I can't count the number of times I've pulled up at the pump with the intent of spending no more than $20 and end up shelling out $5 to $10 more because I can't get the blasted counter to land exactly on the dollar mark. Dirty!

2. Q-tips were invented by an aspiring ear doctor to get more patients - I think I've compacted the equivalent of an unscented Yankee Candle down in my ears from a lifetime of butter churning with those little swabbies. To give you a visual aid, every morning it's like I'm loading a black powder rifle. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong, but I think it's safe for me to blame the fact that my wife's always angry with me for not listening to her because of my impacted eardrums.

3. Ready to Assemble Furniture is not purposely packaged with extra hardware just in case you lose a piece, rather it's purposely missing instructions that would require said extra pieces of hardware - This is so that 3 to 4 years down the road your stupid entertainment center starts to get wobbly and you're forced to replace it. I also think that the inventors of RTAF have partnered with other companies such as producers of drywall because I will undoubtedly puncture a hole in some section of wall in the process, and anyone that manufactures small, easily-thrown electronic devices such as remote controllers or cordless phones. On a side note, I strongly feel that any swear word expressed while assembling these "Devil Boxes" should not be worthy of a Bishop's reprimand.

4. Golf is not so much a sport as it is a device that creates multiple personality syndrome - Don't believe me? Go to a golf course, hide in the trees and observe solo golfers. Not only will these people resort in talking out loud to themselves, but they will also engage in arguments and self-mutilation. I've fallen victim of pleading with my ball, shouting at a tree, swearing at a divot and kissing my driver. This behavior is unnerving.

1 comment:

Voice of Reason said...
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