First let me catch you up in 140 words or less... The 4th was a blast, wave running, need I say more? I've lost some serious weight, but kept the non-serious, fun loving weight so don't worry. Had a kidney stone attack, but I was a gladiator and managed to pull off the whole "there's something in my eye" bit when I cried. I removed some of the blog sites I visit, not because I don't visit them anymore (on the contrary, I could probably be labeled as a stalker for the number of times I frequent your sites), but because I wanted to keep you special people safe and sound (e-mail me if you're concerned.) I still go there via my family blog. Lastly, I'm so stoked about the Harry Potter movie coming out this week that I now randomly conjure Patronus Charms out of thin air. Mine is a dung beetle.
OK, now to the good stuff. Doctor's appointment memories:
#1 - Age 5 ( I think) - After playing tag with the neighbor's rabid dog, I was told I had to go get rabies shots. I handled them very well I think, and instead of screaming and tying myself to the car seat, I opted to reason with the nurse attempting to lead me in for the first of many shots.
Nurse: "OK, Frankie, it's time for your shot."
Frankie: "Um, no, I don't want to."
Nurse: "Oh, you know, it's not that bad."
Frankie: "Let me wait a while."
Nurse: "No, we have to do it now."
Frankie: "I don't feel good."
Nurse: "This will make you feel better."
Frankie: Stuck out my tongue
Nurse: "Do you want a lolly pop?"
Nurse: "All right, I'll get you one right after your shot."
Frankie: "Keep your sucker, lady."
OK, that was fabricated a little, but looking back, that's what I should've said.
#2 - Age 18 - After having quite a spell of food poisoning and a few other illnesses, I stood in line at my college's pharmacy outside of the health center. Standing in line with me were almost a dozen very cute college girls, many of which I would've loved to date. After waiting patiently for my turn, I approached the window and handed the lady behind the counter my prescription. She returned with a package of the largest pills I had ever seen. They were foil wrapped and as large as my pinkie finger. Trying to be funny, I flashed the pills in the air and asked, while chuckling and loud enough so everyone in line could hear me, how I was supposed to swallow these massive pills. The lady in turn answered me, equally as loud, and told me that they were suppositories. To which I gulped and realized I had ruined all of my chances of ever dating any of those girls.
#3 - Age 30 - After some bad cholesterol experiences and a possible heart issue, I was sent to a heart specialist to undergo a stress test and an EKG. I was very nervous when the doctor entered and wanted to make sure I did everything precisely as I was told. This was my heart after all and you can never be too careful. The doctor performed a few of the routine tests (stethoscope stuff) and then engaged me in the following conversation:
"All right, I will now need your chest bare." (she had a thick accent)
"My what?" I asked.
"Um, your chest bare," she repeated.
I looked around the room clearly confused. "I'm sorry, what do you want?" I asked again.
She cleared her throat. "I need your chest bare."
For a moment, I thought I had forgotten to bring something with me, but then it dawned on me what she was talking about.
"Do you want me to take my shirt off?" I asked.
"I know no other way for your chest to be bare," she answered smugly.
I'm sure by now she thought I was a complete idiot. Either that or deaf, but I honestly thought she was referring to some sort of stuffed animal. Chest Bear? Oh, I'm sorry I left that at home, next to my blankie.
#4 - Age 28 - I went in to the doctor to get some medication for a sinus infection and I unloaded a slew of issues upon the poor, unsuspecting doctor.
"Doc, can I tell you about a few other problems?"
"Of course," he said.
"Well, I have a stiff neck."
"Did you sleep on it wrong?"
"I hurt my thumb a few years ago and it still hurts when I wiggle it like this." I wiggle it for a few seconds.
"I could prescribe some painkillers or muscle relaxers."
"I think I have asthma."
"Have you been tested before?"
"Oh, I tested fine."
"Than why do you think you have asthma?"
"Also, at night, I run around my house and do crazy stuff. Do you have any pills for that?"
"What kind of crazy stuff?"
"I pick up furniture, smack into walls, scream out, spit, giggle, you know, crazy stuff."
"I see..." he scribbles a few notes on my record.
"So? Any pills?" I asked anxiously.
"I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about. Why do you think you do all these things?"
"I don't know, stress maybe."
"You pick up furniture?" More scribbling.
"Yes, and I rearrange it."
"I really don't understand."
"Oh, I'm asleep when this happens."
A relieved look appears on his face. "OK, now I see, you're sleepwalking?"
"Yeah, what did you think?"
"I'll be back in a few minutes." He leaves and I swear I can hear laughter coming from behind the door. Poor guy wasn't my regular doctor, just the on-call guy. I did get some pills, but my thumb still hurts when I wiggle it like this: