Advice for Ronald

Since I already posted a little bit about McDonald's, it got me thinking . We took the boys to ole' Mickey D's today and as I was engorging myself on food that will no doubt send me on some sort of acid crash later today I developed a few ideas that could help better the organization for everybody's sake.

1. I like Ronald, but isn't it time for a new mascot? Bob Barker was replaced, the Family Feud has a new host every season, why not a little change? Some possible candidates are: Barney, Pennywise the dancing clown (they all float down there,) some of the Wiggles, Christian Slater (his show just got cancelled), Pikachu, Britney Spears, A giant dancing scab... er... I mean nugget, Dora the Explorer. Something to think about...
2. Invest some of your billions in developing a Ranch packet that doesn't self destruct and shoot sauce all over your shirt whenever you attempt to open it.

3. Adult Happy Meals - Each of these little boxes would have a normal combo meal with burgers and fries and drinks, but instead of a prize you get... another burger, fry and drink! Certain to provide hours of entertainment.

4. Squeegees - You really need something to scrape the grease off your face at the end of your meal.

5. McDonald's Bed and Breakfast. In many cases these already exist.

6. Instead of listing your calorie and fat gram intake on the bottom of the boxes or on the weird paper place mat generally stuck on your tray, just install automated scales that chirp your weight in each of the seats. Customers will get the same info without having to waste time on reading.

7. Start selling your own clothing line in each of the franchises. MC Hammer pants and mu-mus would do well.

8. McDonald's I.V.s... need I say more?

9. Edible napkins. I don't know why, but if anyone could pull it off, it's you Ronald. I don't know how many times I've become so involved in eating that I've munched part of my napkin anyway. Wouldn't I be pleasantly surprised if the paper tasted like onion rings?

10. I'd really rather eat my meal while sitting in a Love Sac.
11. Oooh, and throw in a feeding trough.

12. Install Lazy Susan's in each of your tables, so I don't have to reach across, meanwhile dragging my shirt through a veritable obstacle course of sauce packets and soiled napkins to snag fries from my unsuspecting children.

13. McDelivery.
14. McButter.
15. If you're worried about fitness-crazed customers that no longer patronize your restaurants, rig up your tables with clever sweat-producing games like whack-a-mole or checkers.

16. Or better yet! Instead of just a play area for kids, why not have McDonald's franchises with adjoining water parks. It would be a brilliant way to recycle all of that cooking oil that's just going to waste. Simply allow your patrons an hour swim after each meal, and you'll get it all back. How, you may ask? Just imagine large, floating, human tea bags... Now that's skimming off the top.

17. Start inserting little pre-printed fortunes in each of your nuggets. Fun!
18. McDonald's chair lifts that rotate passed the soda fountains.

19. Fruit and Yogurt parfait? How about Fruit and Crisco parfait for those non-health conscientious customers.

20. McDonald's petting zoos with cows, chickens and horses. You know, whatever's on the menu for the day!

I could go on, but the wife is getting grossed out so I will stop for now.

No comments: