Back from the Dead

I didn't die really, but I suppose in the blogging world, I entered a comatose state. There are reasons for my long absence. One, I was under the gun. I had a deadline and it seriously absorbed all of my time. Secondly, it was the Christmas Holidays and there was... snow and shop...ping (imagine me stammering trying to find good excuses.) Thirdly, I must've bought and received close to twenty new DVDs. Super 8 and Captain America, and HP7, and Cowboys and Aliens, and Jane Eyre. Hold up. Scratch off that last one. Heidi received that one and I did not watch it. I promise.

This is my traditional New Years Resolution Post. I have to write them for posterity and so I can remember what I wrote and ultimately neglected to do. But don't forget, I created a new holiday a year or two ago called Resoredo Day. And that allows anyone who made a resolution and immediately tanked on following it, to redo their resolutions guilt free and start afresh. So I'm not worried.

#1 - I need to read 24 books again. I'm seriously slacking on my reading and all writers will tell you, you need to read. It's like research. Or something. 24 books and picture books don't count, unless it's The Invention of Hugo Cabret because that is more than just illustrations.

#2 - I've been losing weight! I'm cold now. All the time. It's because some of my heaviness is gone. Though I hate the fact I need to turn on the heat wherever I go and wear mittens in the restroom, I'm happy to see some thinning in my future. I'm going to try to lose some more weight. How much you ask? Why are you so rude!

#3 - Paint a landscape. I don't know why. I just want to... with some paint.

#4 - Be awesome to people. I think Bill and Ted said it best. I watched a movie recently where this totally amazing fighter had such a calm demeanor about him. He never provoked violence but could handle himself if needed. I want to be like that. So, #4.5 on this list would be to learn how to fight awesomely so that I can have a calm demeanor whenever I'm attacked. Ultimately, people are good and they deserve respect. I'm going to try to give it to them.

#5 - Be happy when people I know are successful, particularly when they receive awesome writing contracts. This is hard for me. I want an awesome contract and when other people earn awesome contracts (notice how I said "earn" because they did indeed earn them) I've always been the kid kicking dirt with my shoe saying things like, "Golly gee I wish that were me."

#6 - Never say Golly gee or kick dirt while rhyming again.

#7 - I want to write 3 novels this year. Count them 1.2.3. I've already started one which is due in May, but I also need to write 2 more. Something new. Something exciting. Something to earn me one of those awesome writing contracts. Golly g... Whoa! Close one.

#8 - This list stinks.

#9 - Use my time wisely. This will be hard. Santa brought me 2 video games for Christmas. One of them is this ridiculous game called Skyrim and I've turned into a total nerd. I won't go into the details of the game, but for those of you who have played this game, you'll understand why I constantly find myself wandering around the neighborhood checking in baskets for potatoes. How am I supposed to write three novels, read 24 books, and paint a blooming landscape if I'm spending all my time hacking dragons? You can't do it.

That's it. I know the list is only 9 items long (well technically 8 if you don't count #8 on the list... but I do), but that's all I got. I intend to revisit this list on January 22nd (Resoredo Day) and perhaps I'll add more to it. For now, Happy New Year to you my friends and may the Sugar Plum fairies forever be kind to your molars. Huh?

Oh, and Jeana, I know you already have all of my books, but you win some more! Thanks for participating!

New Years Resolution 2010

I can't believe another year has passed us. Can you believe it? With the passing of another year comes the great (inconvenient) obligation of setting my resolutions. It's kind of like passing a kidney stone... or not. Sorry, that's a bad comparison. Have I ever told my kidney stone story? It's a little graphic, but sure to guarantee a few laughs and maybe some greater respect for how the human body makes rocks. Maybe I'll make a resolution to tell that story. The good news (for me at least) is that since I've been doing this blog for more than a year, I have access to my previously New Year's Resolutions. Usually I lose them and forget what it was I resolved to do. Not this year! Here's a recap of my goals for 2009:

1. Get published - If you look back at my first post on this blog, I was griping about rejection letters and how I didn't know how to remove myself from the rejection pile. This was a goal that I'm proud to say I accomplished not once, but twice in 09'!

2. Lose weight - I lost 20 pounds this year (which is a record for me) and gained it all back literally overnight (another record.)

3. Read 24 books (novels) - I read 21. I had complete control over this goal, but there are periods in my life where nothing sounds good to read and nothing can keep my attention (that includes my own books so don't judge me.)

4. Run a 5K - Snort!

5. Get another book published - Did that too!

6. Give up Soda - I did it! I haven't really had a soda all year. Except, of course, for root beer floats and I did drink one Diet Coke (yuck) while I was visiting schools. This was the longest I've ever gone without soda and I love the stuff.

7. Do a home improvement - So, I caved and had one of my best buddies do my drywall in the basement, but if you think about it, had I tried to do that on my own, I don't think we could consider it a home improvement.

8. Become a camper - I went camping a couple of times. I bought a new tent and I got a pocket knife. I even made my own campfire. I'm so not a camper... yet.

9. Learn how to play Sweet Home Alabama on the Piano - Nope, but I can play the first few notes on my guitar and I still love to sing it and actually know what they're saying most of the time in the song.

10. Hone my craft (vocabulary) - Yeah, I still say the same things over and over again. I don't think I cracked open that Thesaurus once this year.

So, in looking back at 2009, I'd say I was about 40% accurate. That's really good! Every other year I don't even know what I contracted to do. This blog business is a great motivator or at least a reminder. Without wasting anymore of your valuable time, here are 2010's resolutions in Hi-definition:

1. Get 2 more books published - I know it's lame and unoriginal, but it's the only way I can pursue my dream of one day working as a full-time writer. I've got one manuscript out in the submission process which can be very grueling and I'm part-way through the 3rd Hashbrown adventure. I think this is a reasonable goal that I can accomplish.

2. Complete a series of P90X - I had several failed attempts in 09', but I'm feeling that 2010 will be my year to tackle Tony Horton. I want a six-pack... right now I have a juice jug. With this I also want to be able to do 20 pull-ups straight without the assistance of pushing my feet off the wall or having Heidi pull me up with a rope and pulley system.

3. Learn how to wake board - If you could have only seen me last summer being dragged through the murky water of the Utah Lake with my mouth open. I've been fishing before and now I feel sorry for those little guys as they are being reeled in. I understand their humiliation. Oh, and to add to that humiliation, you should've seen my wife Heidi (also a first-time wake boarder) pop up on the first try. Oh the agony. I guess this resolution all depends on whether or not my friends want to allow me back on their boat. It had to be an incredible waste of time for them. Hint... hint...

4. Stay off soda and reduce my fast food intake to twice a month - Come on, I can't give up Five Guys entirely. You have to take these things slow. Cold turkey only works for people who like cold turkeys... I don't.

5. Upload my home movies onto the web - This is not as easy as you think. I've wanted to do this for a couple of years now, and I just can't find a way to do it. My brother-in-laws and I have made several really dumb movies that I would love to put out for everyone to see (though I'm sure they'll hate me for it.)

6. Start and finish the first book of a brand new series (writing) - I need something new to write about. I've blogged about this before, but I really need motivation to go out and start a new series altogether. Not that I don't like my other stuff, but there's something awesome about beginning something new. You writers out there will agree with me.

7. Go places I've never been before - Oh sure, we could talk about exotic places, but I'm referring to domestic places, like my attic, my roof, up a ladder in my garage. Seriously, there's a box of stuff that the previous owners left in the ceiling of my garage over 4 years ago. I've yet to look in that box. What if there's like money in there or treasure or some new-fangled technology yet to be discovered? There could be lots of cool things or there could be a human head festering in that box! I need to remove it for crud sake!

8. Count to 10 more often - It's just a good thing to do and I don't do it enough. Most times, I don't even try to count and that's not happy for anyone. Counting to 10 was created for people like me and I need to take advantage of it.

9. Learn and perfect a new trick - I haven't decided just yet of what this will be, but I'm talking more along the lines of juggling, balancing cards, or mind reading. Maybe it will be simpler like learning how to walk the dog with a yo-yo or do a really cool shadow puppet with my fingers. Whatever the case, I need a new party trick. My other ones are growing old and pretty soon people won't want to hang out with me if I don't have a cool trick.

10. Start really appreciating everything in my life - Oh snore! Yeah, I know, lame, lame, LAME! But honestly, I don't do this enough. I've accomplished some great things, and I have some amazing people in my life. Though I show my gratitude some, I need to do it more and cut-out my griping. I have the most wonderful wife and my kids truly rock! I have a close relationship with my parents and siblings and I've got great friends. I live in a good neighborhood and I have an amazing job that keeps my stress level at a minimum. Plus, I've started doing the things I've really wanted to do my whole life. Not everyone can say that. I've been fortunate to have relatively good health (well I still have all of my teeth) and I've had some amazing experiences. In short, I've been blessed with a life I'm proud to have and there's no reason to be as negative as I sometimes get. I need to grow up and chill out! Sure I could always say that things could be worse, but that doesn't cut it. That's still taking a negative approach to life. In 2010, I'm going to focus on the positives. As William Wallace said in Braveheart (at least that's what he was made to say by Hollywood) "Every man dies, not every man really lives." It's time to start living!

There, they've been documented so it's official. I'm sure I'll have more and I may look back at this list and secretly delete one or two without your knowledge, but for the most part, the list is done. Wish me luck!

New Year's Resolutions

It's that time again to start making some New Year's Resolutions. I'm no different than anyone else, in fact, I get a little depressed if I don't take the opportunity to perform an all out NYR writing ceremony. Thank goodness for blogs.

1. Get published - Hmmm, has that happened yet? I'll keep you posted!

2. Lose some weight - I won't say how much, but be satisfied with the knowledge that it's a lot. Let's put it this way, if I want to be back down to my High School weight, I'd have to become a double amputee. (Update, update! I've already canned the ***** ***** Diet because it was written by Lucifer! I don't want to really name it because it could be considered Libelous, but it has to do with a sandy area on the bottom arrow of the compass. Figure that puzzle out.)

3. Read 24 books - It doesn't matter what genre, I want to average 2 books a month for the whole year. I'm currently reading the third book in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, The Titan's Curse. It is awesome!!! I should be done with that right on schedule and then its onto the next adventure.

4. Run a 5K - This has a lot to do with how well #2 goes. I can't walk up the stairs to my office without breaking a sweat.

5. Get another book published. But wait, one would have to have a current book published in order to get another book published... interesting...

6. Give up Soda - I'm restarting this resolution, there's a story behind this. I was dieting the past couple of days on that one diet spawned from the seventh level of Hades and I kept seeing those blessed KFC Big Box commercials. The ones with the Big Box of Chicken stuff! Never in my life had I experienced such a craving. I almost went out yesterday (Sunday) and bought me one. Luckily, I got control of myself and made a dash to KFC for lunch today. It was tasty, but overrated and the problem was it came with a jumbo drink. Now you can't get water in that jumbo cup, it says so on the receipt, what? It doesn't? Well it should! So, I've started anew.

7. Do a home improvement - Geez Frank, what kind of husband are you? Well, I'm not the home improvementy type of guy. I'm more of the let someone else do the work whilst I tell jokes in the background type of guy and it has suited me well so far. But I did install a garbage disposal, fixed a couple of holes in the wall (still haven't fixed the one I made with my elbow), and fixed our ceiling fan, so I'm getting there. Back off already!!! I'm thinking that I might try a lil' sumthin, sumthin in the basement. Who knows, get my drywall on (yeah, I can't pull that type of talk off.)

8. Become a camper - I think, if I'm not mistaken, in order to do this, one must commit to going camping. If anyone knows a loop hole to this rule, please let me know. I would love to be given the title of camper and not really ever have to go camping. OK, OK, it's not all that bad and plus, I promised the boys I'd take them this year.

9. Learn how to play Sweet Home Alabama on the Piano. I tried the guitar and I've mastered the first couple of notes, but it didn't really pan out the way I wanted it to. But I can play a shnazzy little rendition of Labamba which I love to sing along with at parties (which is probably why I haven't been invited back.)

10. Hone my craft - Or in terms I can understand, get better at writing. I got a brand new thesaurus (which technically means "the lizard" right?) and I also have a vocabulary builder book. I now know what the word Objurgate means. Neat!

On a side not, I really like my new socks that I bought with my Christmas money. I think they were the best purchase ever!!! New socks, ho-hum.

New Resolution

A thought came to me the other day when I had a scheduled interview with a job applicant. I led the way up the back stairs to my office and invited the applicant to sit down. I then proceeded to wheeze uncontrollably because the flight up the stairs left me literally shaking. Sweat beaded up on my forehead... I got bleary-eyed. I had to apologize to the applicant because I was so out of breath, that when I read the questions for the interview I sounded like someone dying of a bullet wound. I know I've posted before about growing old and being out of shape, but man I'm only 31. Is this normal health behavior? Can there possibly be another "reason for my wheezin" or can this all be linked to my addiction to caffeinated colas and fast food burgers?

Whatever the answer, tomorrow starts a new commitment for me (notice how I didn't say today. Let's be reasonable. I still have to procrastinate.)

So what do I do?

Cardio would require me to run or jump rope or tae bo or disco or whatever it is active people do now a days. I want a gimmick. Something that I can wear under my clothes that vibrates me into shape or uses radioactive chemicals to build muscle. Yeah... I'm a sellout.

I have some weights (light ones) at my house, but I don't have a routine that I do. Plus, whenever I start hitting the weight seriously, I end up with an injury. Not a major one, mind you, but one that makes it real easy for me to blame my lackadaisical attitude on it.

I don't even know how to diet. How do people do it? I have a lot of respect for some of the bloggers I visit that are undergoing diets. I can't stand diet colas. I have a vampiric addiction to red meat (oh burgers...) My wife once had me on a strict fruit diet or something. Talk about a bad idea. Once when I was dating her in college I got on a health food kick that included mountains of bran cereal. That got me running... home after every class. Sorry... too much info. (Heidi wanted me to add a disclaimer that she cooks healthy food whenever I'm under her jurisdiction.)

I'm stumped. I need direction. I know I need to do it for my family's sake, but I need motivation. Is there a better than the rest diet plan? (south beach, atkins, fruit?) Should I run? And if so, where? It seems to me that perhaps I need a destination and maybe a ride to get me home after I made it there. I read somewhere that every pound of muscle burns 25 calories a day. So am I going to need protein shakes, creatine, energy bars, raw eggs, and such?

Or am I just over-reacting? Yeah, I get the fact that everyone should be involved in some sort of controlled diet and activity, but do my symptoms merit a gym membership or a doctor's appointment (which by the way, I hate going to the doctor.)

What are my symptoms?

• Shaking
• Loss of breath
• Fatigue
• Swearing (What? How did that get in here?)

To name a few... Oh and High Cholesterol, Heart burn and Night terrors. Probably not all entirely related.

I'm actually looking for help. Advice. Moral support, if you will. Whatever you can offer.